Ocean-Moonshine

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September 20, 2005

An ocean story.

I've wanted to post this for a while now, but I am hesitant. Hesitant because I'm likely to screw up what I am trying to describe as some of it is rather indescribable, and I have'nt been able to get into a writing flow. I also suspect that much of it will be simply dismissed. There is no exageration, nothing over-emphasised, nothing made up.

A little backround. As a kid, I went to a Lutheran sunday school. It never clicked, I always thought something was not quite right. Later, in I guess 7th or 8th grade, I actually went to church for a while to satisfy my parents expectations that I get "Confirmed" as a good christian. I went along, told them what they wanted to hear. Walked out, rolled my eyes, shook my head, and never went back to church (except weddings/funerals). It was all to simplistic, fake, concrete, man-made, and non-sensical to me. I always felt there was something else going on in a divine way, but wandered from agnostic to skeptical, still knowing there was something else out there, in there. Always wondering, always confused.

I was around 17 years old, a senior in high school. It was october and I was in great physical shape, the result of football season. I've been very comfortable in the water since I was very young, and was a strong swimmer. My friend "T" was probably more athletic than I was, bigger, stronger, better endurance. The tail end of a hurricane was blowing up the coast. We cut school to check out the waves.

I was a tremendously powerful day. The wind was blowing hard, sand was flying sideways stinging. The beach sand had been compacted to a strange hardness that was good for walking on. And the waves were the biggest, most turbulent I had seen irl. We decided to walk down to a rock jetty about a half mile away. It stuck out into the ocean about 100 yards, and the waves were pounding it, throwing up magnificient walls of water and spray. We climbed on the jetty, onto the rocks that were sitting on the shore. Almost immedietly, a huge wave hit, and the explosion of water rained down on our previously dry perch, throwing us off balance just a bit, but soaking us to the skin. Our first impression was not the power of the wave, but its warmth. The hurricane had blown all the warm surface water from offshore to onshore, and the bath-like water grabbed our interest in mid-october. We got the hell off the getty, and back onto the beach.

So it occurs to me that, ...well since the water is so warm, and we are already wet... why not wade in - just up to our waists, to feel the energy? We took off our shirts, belts, wallets, and sneakers, and walked in with our jeans on, safely away from the jetty, maybe 50 yards away. We were waist deep for no more than a few seconds, when we found out the hard way that we were close to a rip. Another huge wave broke in the wrong spot - over our heads, and held us down for what seemed like over a minute. I'm thinking WTF is this? This is fucking crazy, when is it going to let me up? We finally popped up, more than disoriented, and as we gasped for air, another wave hit immedietly. This time it was a short 15 second dunk, but it added to the disorientation. As I was grabing air, I was realizing what had happened. We had been swept out by that first wave, about 100 yards. We were out past the majority of the breakers, enough so that we could usually take a breath and dive under the remaining ones, before getting hit by the next one. But it was now full alert. I quickly realized our predicament. The current was towards the west - towards the jetty. Where we were was at the end of a rip. "T" and I got closer, I told him what was up. I was actually feeling kind of good at this point, kind of enjoying the excitement, but concern started to creep in fast. We were swimming, and swimming, and swimming. We couldn't go with the current because we'd literally get killed on the getty. We couldn't swim in against the rip. We couldn't swim very well against the curent. Fortyfive minutes later, I was in the same spot, and stopped swimming for minute, just going with the ocean, resting. I was getting exhausted. My focus was now out to sea. On the crest of the non-breaking swells, I boosted myself up in the water and started scanning for ships. There were none of course, but it would have been an option. At this time, I'm starting to realize that I am running out of energy. I consider tying my jeans into a life vest, but the jetty threat was still there, and just removing the pants would have been risky in the frothy chaos. Bad time to breath water. One breath of water might be it. I figured my best shot was to get back into the area where the waves were breaking the hardest, and hope that they would push me towards shore, and that the rip would somehow be less strong, or have moved or altered with the tide. I got a hold of "T", and said I was going for it. He looked nervous, scared shitless, but was right there, following my lead. I really didn't think I had enough energy to get to where I wanted. I said "lets go", and went for it.

After about another 20 minutes, I was about 10 yards from where I needed to be, in the break. I actually started thinking that I was might make it. Almost. Maybe almost make it. This is where the story begins.

T is lagging 20 yards behind me. (bastard). He is exhausted, completely. He starts to panic. He calls out for help. I'm barely moving myself and tell him to swim, that I'm in a little trouble here myself. A few seconds later, he cries out again, this time with panicky urgency. I'm 5 yards from the breakers. I look at the shore. I can make it. Yeah, I can pull this off, I can make the shore. A few more yards. I look back. I do not have the strength, energy, reserves to go out and get him. I simply do not. It would be suicide. I look back to him again. He's going under again. I look at the shore. Fuck. Then it happens.

I look up to the sky, to the heavens, to the whatever, my thoughts simultaneously asking if "god/something" is testing me?, what I should do? Help? Before my thoughts are even fully formed, they are gone. Time is gone. Everything is different. I am on another plane. If I die at 17 or at 87, it doesn't matter. Time does not exist - in a very real sense. It doesn't matter if I die, because life is death and death is life. There is no fear. There is no thought. There is just an "is-ness". I dont know how to describe it. I swim out towards my death. Only its not "me" swimming. Something more than me is swimming. There is no ego, no me, yet there is much more flowing through me.

I reach T in about 10 seconds. I help him keep his head up and catch his breath. After a moment, we grab each other's right wrist with our right hands. I'm swimming backwards, pulling him. Maybe a minute passes. Suddenly, out of nowhere, an immense wave breaks on my chest, pushing me violently. It was bizarre. T didnt catch the hit, but he didnt let go, and was pulled out of the water by the jerk. The wave took us both down, for about a minute, and we popped up very close to shore. I kept pulling him in, with the help of breaking waves, until we were about waist deep again. Then it all started to fade. Time came back, slowly. I yelled at T that he could stand, and that he better start running, to give it everything he had left. He went. I went. I collapsed on the shore, gasping, burning, completely drained. But still in a dream-like state. I noticed T was not there and looked back out. No sign. I turned and looked up the beach - he was 50 yards away from the water, still running, untill his calves cramped up, he fell and started throwing up.

It was all cool. There is a sense of that experience that has never left me. There is a bigger sense that too much of it has.

...Ocean

(I'm outta time, I'll probably edit).

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I feel frustrated - frustrated because it didnt flow out as magically poetic as it should have. But how do you describe these things. You can describe time as in real everyday terms, but how do you describe experiencing its non-existance in a incredibly profound way? How do you describe temporarily experiencing immortality. "A temporary taste of immortality - its just not logical. But it exists. How do you find yourself, swimming towards death and be 100% accepting of everything, having knowledge that it really doesn't matter in the real grand scheme of things - that death is but a minor detail? How do you describe the experience of the universe flowing through you?

I got the idea of posting this after jase's inner power post. I believe, to use his terms, pulled the sword out of the stone. I believe I had direct communication with the unverse, and the Tao was flowing unrestricted. I also feel I passed a huge test that day. Had I not gone back out, T would have drowned. I would have had problems living with that, and I would not have had this experience. It almost felt like, once I made the dicision to go back out, - if it was even my decision at all - I felt like I received help. We were practcally delivered to the shore. And I dont believe in a god up in the clouds that looked down and helped me. But, there is ...Something. And it was me. And it wasn't me.

The experience has had a profound effect on me. I know i have more inner strength than I ever thought possible back then. I "know" certain things that are not what we consider reality. I have experienced them. It is incredibly real. This is a fairly common theme in my life - this was just the most vivid example, by far the strongest connection.

My problem is that too much of these experiences have left me. Left me knowing and aware of possibility, but not lable to tap into it. This leaves me in the human condition of suffering, and being able to realize it for what it is, but unable to do anything about it. I've had a taste, but my ego shit is so strong, it doesn't let me eat.

(This has to do with why I often talk about being addicted to Flow).

...Oh, I wanted to add that at the point where I looked up to the sky, I got a sense of surrendering to universe or whatever it is.

Posted by Ocean at September 20, 2005 05:45 PM

Comments

Posted by: Vince Photochins at September 21, 2005 12:55 PM

Posted by: Shawn Lea at September 30, 2005 10:30 AM