Ocean-Moonshine

March 23, 2005

Chick sent me high-ee!

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March 08, 2005

Groovin on a Sunny Afternoon

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March 01, 2005

Ahhhhh...

october past...

After helping a friend out at a boat show, I had one of the best 1/2 hours of the year. After sitting on a $250,000 boat all day and surrounded by $500,000 boats, I was alone, driving my small boat home. My boat is worth about $500. I was a little envious, but, hey it runs. I started heading down the channel, a perfect sunset at my back. I mean really perfect. I had to keep turning around. The water surface was a mirror, not a ripple. The low warm light that photagraphers love, made the marsh glow. It was a deep, rich green with a bit of yellow gold to it, and it was speckled with the bright pure white of the many flocks of seabirds. Egrets by the dozens. At 14 I stopped counting the herons I saw. (Usually, a single one is a nice visual treat.) The orange, red, purple, pink and yellow of the sky was perfectly mirrored on the water I rode along on. I turned into a narrow cut in the marsh, a curvey, hidden, shallow passageway with an exagerated "S" shape. The water and sky became almost indistinguishable, with just up and down and some protrusions of marsh providing reference. It was exhillerating, I felt like James Bond cooking through there. Coming out of the cut, I entered the inner bay. The water was crystal clear and shallow, so I slowed the boat to about 20 mph and could still see large blue-claw crabs crawling and swimming in the eel grass on the bottom. The light was fading a bit, but you could still see all this. For a while I kept focused on the water in front of me, until it dawned on me to look back at the sun, which had set by now. The water and sky were blood red. I mean just about my whole damn field of vision was lit up deep red. I kinda felt like..."Oh...wow...wait a second here!". I turned down the throttle, and killed the engine. The eastern sky was purple and dark pink. Not much of this whole boat ride looked real. I had just had one of the best 1/2 hours of boating all summer, alone, in a $500 boat. It was kind of like a passive flow ..no thoughts, just observing, appreciating. I was back in the moment. I was where I wanted to be at that moment.

(Anyway it got darker, and cooler and as I headed across the bay, I rested my right shoulder against the windshield. The refreshing wind almost felt like putting ice on an injury, but the magic of the moment kept the cold out. Still it felt good as my arm is in a sling due to a torn rotator cuff and separated shoulder. But hey, I guess its better than having your ass in a sling. Then again, as I write, I feel a bowel movement coming on, and I'm right handed. Ouch.)

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February 28, 2005

Franconia, NH. rock hops

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rock hop

.....a short piece of writing by Dean Potter, a rockclimber:

***Cold air from the valley drifts upwards. It's predawn and I've been moving on the north Nose of El Cap through the night, focused on the rock in front of me in the faint light of my headlamp. Suddenly, I think of how tired and exposed I am, alone, ropeless, far past any point of retreat. A surge of panic courses through me. I try to think of the summit but that thought, too, is dangerous.

An image floats into my mind. I'm following my father in the early through a pasture in the White Mountains in New Hampshire. He strides towards Moosebrook, his favorite fishing spot. I'm not even half his height, and the frosty grass brushes all the way up to my waist.
We reach the river. My Dad skips from rock to rock, downstream to the first hole, and looks back for me. The water is freezing, and the rocks are covered in slime. I'm afraid to follow. I burrow painfully through the thickets of pricker bushes, swamp, and blackflies as my father calls for me. The bugs chase me back to the river's edge. and I timidly wade in and try to catch up. Tense and anxious, I lose my footing, and fall into the river. I gasp for breath in the icy water, but manage to scramble onto a rock where I bawl until my father comes back. "I don't like fishing. I want to go home".

My father shakes his head at me, and his eyes sparkle. "Dean, put everything else aside. There's nothing to be afraid of, except a little cold water. Just focus on the next step you are taking. I feel so happy running down the river, the sun reflecting off the water, my body naturally going where it's supposed to. I almost don't think at all. I just respond to what's in front of me."
He stops talking and heads downstream again. We slowly pick our way across the rocks, catching rainbows and brook trout. The day passes quickly and my confidence rises. Soon, I'm playing and racing down the rapids with eyes wide and senses alert, not knowing I've just recieved my first lesson in Zen.

The air drifts over my body. I grasp the immediate. I reach for the next hold.****

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I remember being about 6 or 7 and visiting my Grandma in upstate NY. There was a gully with a stream rushing through it, complete with rocks at all angles, slippery moss, and icy water. This story struck a chord in me. I used to love hiking in that stream as a kid. It was beautiful. Fairly quickly, I learned the art of sprinting from rock to rock, without any distractions. As you pushed of with your right foot, your body already knew where your left foot was going to land, and how much angle you should land on to prevent slipping and to send you in the direction of the next "pre-selected" rock. And it was all so effortless. It exhilerated and calmed me at the same time. I guess my addiction to "Flow" started here. I never would have remembered if not for that article. In winter, I progressed to "Don't Break the Ice", using frozen spots to step on, the trick being to move very quickly over the ice without breaking it. (Its amazing how warm you can stay when you are exercising after your mom bundles you up for outdoor winter play, and you are soaked from the waist down.)

When I experience Flow, I experience Being. In the moment, at peace and harmony, in complete concentration without effort, feeling like you are more than you are...but also less of a self, being part of a system (like becoming one with the stream - I know ..cliche) When you experience this, there is a deep joy, a smile on your face for days. You have tapped into a great state of conciousness that is not always easy to do.

Ok, so enough rambling... Go back and read the artical again. Instead of reading about climbing and rock-hopping, read it as a metaphor for life ...

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February 25, 2005

Three Flow

Head, heart, gut...

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February 24, 2005

Rides

Why do I still ride? I don't, but I plan to. Riding is another "connection portal" for me. It is that official state of flow. Riding puts me, ...forces me into the Now. You get so absorbed by The Ride. Negative thoughts stop. The body relaxes, but is very alert at the same time. Like the energy in a coiled spring, but relaxed at the same time. Negative feelings vanish. You are just left with you, the bike, the wind, and a more complete awareness of what is going on in the moment. You are 100% involved. It recharges you, resets you. When you are in a negative mood, or pre-occupied about some small, dumb crap , you go for an invigorating ride. You come back relaxed and smiley for the rest of the day. It changes your focus. Maybe its just endorphins. Definetely worth the price of admission. You just can't be stupid about it. And you can make it a slow mellow cruise, or a rollercoaster ride.

As far as boating goes, I can't walk on water. A boat allows me to get out on the water, away from the suburban concrete sprawl. Have you noticed I like the ocean? Boating has some of the elements of riding, depending on where you go. But its more just a way to access something thats magic to me, both environmentally and experientially. Its another way to connect with the world. We don't have three feet of mud up here. We do have sand bars. Some are marked by bouys, others you learn to avoid, sometimes the hard way, hopefully not at high tide. You learn to read the water. Its all good. These things may actually appear to be distractions, but they are not. They are about coming back to life, getting back in touch with a part of myself.


                 

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8-ball

I got to observe some good "nine" behavior and get a taste of my way overshadowed 8 wing*** last night. I went out with a friend to shoot some pool. We put our names on the board and waited our turn, got a beer. This girl I know, an aquaintance really, needed a partner becuase they had switched from playing single to partners. So she asked me to play. I said OK, and I had next game also, and wanted to go back to playing singles if we won. Some guy was hanging around her and I started getting bad vibes from him. We win the game, I shot like shit, and put in my quarters to play her one on one. This guy starts bitching that I'm playing two games in a row. So he has a point, but I calmly explain to him why I was gonna play anyway. We play, and I lose in about two minutes, so I put my name back up on the board. All is well.

After a few minutes, I notice someone erased the list, and now I've lost my place, and have to wait for a lot more games to be played out. Now I get angry. So I say to myself I'm gonna confront this idiot guy (he erased the queue). Then I start to fear the confrontation shit. So instead of confronting him directly, I go to the girl, within easy earshot of this guy, and say "Which asshole erased my fucking name off the list? I'm gonna go erase the list again and put my name first". I said it in a very convincing way and gave him a dirty look. After a few minutes, he splits. Now I'm angry with myself for not being direct. It would have probably ended in a bar fight, which I'm sure you could guess I'm not too fond of. And now there is a group of 5 young obnoxious, drunk guys swarming the pool table. My friend plays, I partner up with him, we win, he gives me the table. A couple of wisecracks from the new guys, complaining Im not playing with a partner, I am still angry, but calmly explain its my game, I'll do what I want. Now, I'm not really a good pool player. But suddenly, I make that jump into the Now, and use the anger as a very focused energy. I'm making unbelievably hard shots, and on a combo to bank shot, I call the pocket, and then tell everyone "And its going in!". It was a next to impossible shot, and I "knew" it was going in. Almost every shot had extra snap on it, unless it needed finesse, but everything was dead on. It was un-natural. I was focusing anger into through the pool stick to the shooting the cue ball. And old man took a turn, and my play changed dramatically, my play mellowed, but stayed focused. Then one of the rude guys played again and I missed the first two shots. I remembered the anger, and then only needed one more shot to win. I finally lost to a girl by sinking the cue ball along with the 8. Everyone had given up playing against me. My friend, who knows how I play had his jaw hanging open the whole time. Damn it was fun! I'll never play that well again. The whole time, I was mediating every pool related problem that came up. There was a lot of friction between various people.

Then the night got really interesting. Here is where you're gonna think Im wacked (pun intended). While I had been playing pool, my energy controlled the whole area. I was calm and controlled and fun, but I could feel the control. I'm not used to that. It certainly didn't seem warranted to me, but it was obvious in a subtle way, and it was pleasantly amusing. This girl at the bar had been looking at me from across the room. She was with her boyfriend/husband and was looking at me too much. Her eyes seemed to be asking for help. This couple was sitting about 5 feet from where my beer was sitting on the bar next to my friend. I went over there and was bs'ing about the pool stuff with my friend. She keeps looking at me. Her guy was a mobster. Seriously. Now she's looking at me, and she's looking pretty good, so I'm looking back. But, I'm not exactly going to try and pick her up. Her guy is like a robot, not talking, no facial expressions, nothing, then he does this subtle head and hand gesture, and suddenly this 6'4" 300pound guy in a suit appears out of nowhere and stands just on the otherside of the "L" in the bar, and proceeds to calmly watch me. I'm like, fuck, this IS the Sopranos. After about 20 minutes, I say fuck it and go up to the big guy. I start talking about fishing, but Im searching his face for more than words. He converses back, but he looks both amused and like he is a little embarrassed that he blew his cover. He gets done talking to me fairly quickly, shakes my hand, and gives me a reassurring nod, like "hey no problem". I took it as my cue to go back to my own business, and when I turn around, the couple is gone. The whole time, I felt very calm and in control, amused actually. No, I wasn't really drunk. The whole thing was very dream-like, but it actually happened. Very strange. Feel free to comment, I'm still trying to make some sense out of the whole thing.

***another enneagram reference

Posted by Ocean at 01:30 AM | Permalink | | Comments (0)

Bootstraps

I think one reason I get excited about boats and bikes is that they make me feel alive, full of positive energy. Its like they are bootstraps I can use to pull me out of sloth. You could say that they are just another insignificant distraction, but thats not the case. There are many other things I use as bootstraps, but most revolve around fun, physical activities or special relationships. The intimate relationships have by far the most power. Its like you jump back into life. Its like it pulls you out of your stupor, and back on track. Changes the pace, the pov. Connects you. Anyone notice this bootstrap thing?

Posted by Ocean at 01:14 AM | Permalink | | Comments (0)

The Pull of Flow

(thanks to cousin pete for pic)

...when this becomes, effortless, almost automatic, ...riding the razor's edge in perfect, confident balance...

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FLOW

...flow
conversation snippets...

big problem ---> Lack of FLOW. I used to be addicted to FLOW. I used to adjust my life to attaining flow, like a junkie. Its been too, way too long since I was in a state of FLOW. This describes what I mean. Here is a quote from the back of a book...

"...For more than two decades Mihaly Csikszentmihalyi has been studying states of "optimal experience" - those times when people report feelings of concentration and deep enjoyment. These investigations have revealed that what make experience genuinely satisfying is a state of consciousness called flow - a state of concentration so focused that it amounts to absolute absorption in an activity. Everyone experiences flow from time to time and will recognize its charactoristics: People typically feel strong, alert, in effortless control, unselfconscious, and at the peak of their abilities. Both the sense of time and emotional problems seem to disappear, and there is an exhilarating feeling of transcendence. Flow: The Psychology of Optimal Experience reveals how this pleasurable state can, in fact, be controlled, and not just left to chance, by setting ourselves challenges - tasks that are neither too difficult nor too simple for our abilities. With such goals, we learn to order the information that enters consciousness and thereby improve the quality of our lives."

Flow is basically living in the moment. (It's NOT the "going with the flow" that 9's*** get stuck in - that is just going along with whatever). This is real Flow.

...You are the boat, the river, and you are even generating the current. It all becomes one and you are an active but seemingly effortless director. Perfection. You are 100% in the moment, and adjust your (re)actions perfectly to the situation/activity/environment as they happen to acommodate your intent.

Activities that have routinely delivered Flow, for me: Slalom waterskiing, snowboarding, mountainbiking, motorcycling, diving, running, moments of football, softball, climbing. Sometimes playing guitar with another guitar and drums. Shooting pool. Working out.

For a somewhat less intense flow, sometimes reading, writing, having a conversation, having sex. It can happen doing anything. The key though seems to be having an adequate level of skill that matches the activity. The more skill, the higher the level of activity, the more intense the flow. If you dont have enough skill for a certain activity, its awkward or frustrating. If you have too much skill, it is boring so there is not 100% absorption. For me, physical, often rythmic activities did the trick the best. Most of those things I dont do anymore. I guess as I've gotten older, I've tried to get the same flowing satisfaction in other, less physical ways, such as everyday activities, but I'm either bored or frustrated it seams. I can think of a few reasons why I lack flow. I am out of shape, and no longer do my fun things on a regular basis. For non-physical activities, again, Im out of shape, leaving me more stuck in my head. Also, I have to many toxins in me leaving my brain sluggish. Nope, haven't found anyone to flow with lately, and thats the best flow of all.

Step 1. Get to gym and lay off the cheeseburgers.

That "moment" of flow IS spirituality to me. Imagine having flow 24/7, in the moment, fully living Now to the fullest.

I don't think I've had an especially intense life. Although I've spent a lot of time doing those activities, and have had many peak experiences, it all seemed pretty normal except for some really peak experiences that I guess bordered on transendantal or endorphin overload due to unplanned danger. I'm sure I've spent more time watching TV overall. But I thrive on the peak stuff, wither watching TV.

It seems like those experiences have to do with being forced/drawn out of my head and into my gut.

Re: Raw foods diet. I have noticed that a combo of eating very clean - not junk, tons of fresh fruit and vegetables - (basically healthy vegetarian with small amounts of protien - very little or no meat or dairy or processed food), ...combined with physical exercise and meditation, really helps to make me more prone to get that flow going. Performing an activity on a regular basis also helps, of course.

***

enneagram type 9; enneagram is a kind of personality system, with esoteric aspects, based on basic motivations arising from innate fears. good googling.

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