February 26, 2005
Gravity
old...105 degrees, the day jfk jr. crashed...
Did you ever have a really bad week, where you figured "If I went skydiving, and the shoot didn't open, ..oh well, who cares?"So I jumped out of a plane at 10,000 feet today. It was a tandem jump, which means you got a guy strapped to your back who knows what he is doing. This allows you to freefall for 45 seconds or so, and do some little tricks. Endorphins are pretty good for depression.
Ofcourse, I'm now on crutches - hours before the jump, I twisted my ankle in a hole in the grass while running. I have never seen my ankle so swollen. This is not swell. Like I said, shitty week.
Its also hotter than a witch's burning broom stick again.
Anyway, I must really have my head up my ass, because I didn't even get nervous. The whole thing was so surreal. When you are freefalling, there is no sense of the ground rushing up to splat you. It was one of those "different" basically alive feelings that you just gotta experience. (The experience cannot be accurately be described - ya gotta do it!).
So whats bugging me? Sometimes I blame it all on money. Sometimes I blame it all on woman. Sometimes I blame it all on me. Its currently all of the above. I guess this to will pass.
Anyway, if you ever have the opportunity to skydive, go for it. Big smile.Put me on ice.
Posted by Ocean at 02:20 PM | Permalink | | Comments (0)
February 25, 2005
training wheels
I think problems with trust are just part of the human condition. Everyone has a problem or a potential problem with trust. Think back to before you had (*HURT*). Think back to high school or maybe junior high. Anyone remember getting dumped for someone else? Someone pulls the rug out from under your feet and you land on you ass. You feel crushed. Betrayed. Lost. Your heart just got ripped out, and you feel unworthy. Your self esteem may plummet. If you got hurt, you may have a problem with trust. But just before the break-up, did you really become less desireable, worthy, decent? I doubt it.
(I'm leaving parents et al out of this post.)
What did you do after you got burned? You met someone else. Maybe this person was more trustworthy, and the trust problem diminished. Maybe the next person made the first look like a saint. Your trust problem got worse. But you met someone else.
(*Hurt*) can definetely amplify the problem, but it is not THE problem. Anyone who was ever rejected in any way and emotionally hurt, does not want to risk more rejection and pain. They don't want to open up and expose their vulnerability... to allow someone to see inside to evaluate their worthiness.
...Actually, I think people do *want* to expose their vulnerability...more than anything. Its a chance to be accepted at the deepest, most honest level. Its the risk that's the hard part. The risk that instead of acceptance, you will be rejected again.
But that leap of faith, that laying it all on the line, can lead to trust, emotional intimacy, a total acceptance, and a nice surge in self esteem.
Ofcourse it can also lead to rejection and pain. As a kid, you were resilient. Thats how you learned to ride a bicycle. Crash. Ouch. Mistrust bike. OK, try again. Crash. And on, and on. Until you learned how to ride it.
To err is human. Even trustworthy people will let you down sometimes. When you try to trust someone, dont expect them to be God. Expect them to be human. But dont be to surprised if they are godly.
Don't label yourself as inadequate, because of other people's actions. Their actions are probably more due to their reasons, not yours. Be resilient. Be a kid. Don't expect miracles. At the same time, dont rule them out.
(*Hurt*) makes life difficult if you were burned badly by it and by making you more vulnerable. (*Hurt*) is also a tool, a magnifying glass, which can focus the abstract vulnerabilities of your soul into a simple CONFESSION of the innermost you. Its a tool which can be used to build solid relationship foundations. Once you have this magical foundation, Everyday can be a risk. Anyday, you can lose this complete acceptance. It could last a day or a lifetime. So take it one day at a time with appreciation. Trust may follow.
Brandon all wet
My nephew now swims like a fish.
Posted by Ocean at 06:07 PM | Permalink | | Comments (0)
chisle
They come in the hour before dawn. Heavy, heavy footsteps, stun guns, a cattle prod. Three nights in row now. They try to wake me.
I sleep.
Strong glimpes of freedom. A complete lack of restraint. Soaring flights of fancy - Eluding captors, clearing their reach, winning their game. Beautiful smiling woman effortlessly and completely connected the way it should be. Friends reading my mind with a smile. Soaring like a great bird over oceans, fiords, and deltas. Escaping from a dungeon of alien society. Free flowing, nothing blocked. So light, effortless. The feel is so strong - I know this feel. It is the ideal alive. Such a strong pull.
I wake, the rising sun shining in through rusted steel bars, casting shadows on my walls. The feel fades. I get coffee, and dream of freedom. But thats not the way it works. Time to chisle away the stone. That is the key.
Stardust falling in one shoe, rockdust in the other.
Posted by Ocean at 01:09 PM | Permalink | | Comments (0)
February 24, 2005
REMINDER!
adapted...
"Life should NOT be a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely, ... in an underused and unscarred body/mind, but rather to skid in sideways, pain in one hand, bliss in the other, body thoroughly used up, totally worn out and mind screaming "WOO HOO what a ride!"
I need reminders...
Posted by Ocean at 02:50 AM | Permalink | | Comments (0)
Rides
Why do I still ride? I don't, but I plan to. Riding is another "connection portal" for me. It is that official state of flow. Riding puts me, ...forces me into the Now. You get so absorbed by The Ride. Negative thoughts stop. The body relaxes, but is very alert at the same time. Like the energy in a coiled spring, but relaxed at the same time. Negative feelings vanish. You are just left with you, the bike, the wind, and a more complete awareness of what is going on in the moment. You are 100% involved. It recharges you, resets you. When you are in a negative mood, or pre-occupied about some small, dumb crap , you go for an invigorating ride. You come back relaxed and smiley for the rest of the day. It changes your focus. Maybe its just endorphins. Definetely worth the price of admission. You just can't be stupid about it. And you can make it a slow mellow cruise, or a rollercoaster ride.
As far as boating goes, I can't walk on water. A boat allows me to get out on the water, away from the suburban concrete sprawl. Have you noticed I like the ocean? Boating has some of the elements of riding, depending on where you go. But its more just a way to access something thats magic to me, both environmentally and experientially. Its another way to connect with the world. We don't have three feet of mud up here. We do have sand bars. Some are marked by bouys, others you learn to avoid, sometimes the hard way, hopefully not at high tide. You learn to read the water. Its all good. These things may actually appear to be distractions, but they are not. They are about coming back to life, getting back in touch with a part of myself.
Posted by Ocean at 02:00 AM | Permalink | | Comments (0)
Bootstraps
I think one reason I get excited about boats and bikes is that they make me feel alive, full of positive energy. Its like they are bootstraps I can use to pull me out of sloth. You could say that they are just another insignificant distraction, but thats not the case. There are many other things I use as bootstraps, but most revolve around fun, physical activities or special relationships. The intimate relationships have by far the most power. Its like you jump back into life. Its like it pulls you out of your stupor, and back on track. Changes the pace, the pov. Connects you. Anyone notice this bootstrap thing?
Posted by Ocean at 01:14 AM | Permalink | | Comments (0)