"I can't find the bridge, ...where's that confounded bridge?"

A little backround. As a kid, I went to a Lutheran sunday school. It never clicked, I always thought something was not quite right. Later, in I guess 7th or 8th grade, I actually went to church for a while to satisfy my parents expectations that I get "Confirmed" as a good christian. I went along, told them what they wanted to hear. Walked out, rolled my eyes, shook my head, and never went back to church (except weddings/funerals). It was all to simplistic, fake, concrete, man-made, and non-sensical to me. I always felt there was something else going on in a divine way, but wandered from agnostic to skeptical, still knowing there was something else out there, in there. Always wondering, always confused.

I was around 17 years old, a senior in high school. It was october and I was in great physical shape, the result of football season. I've been very comfortable in the water since I was very young, and was a strong swimmer. My friend "T" was probably more athletic than I was, bigger, stronger, better endurance. The tail end of a hurricane was blowing up the coast. We cut school to check out the waves.

I was a tremendously powerful day. The wind was blowing hard, sand was flying sideways stinging. The beach sand had been compacted to a strange hardness that was good for walking on. And the waves were the biggest, most turbulent I had seen irl. We decided to walk down to a rock jetty about a half mile away. It stuck out into the ocean about 100 yards, and the waves were pounding it, throwing up magnificient walls of water and spray. We climbed on the jetty, onto the rocks that were sitting on the shore. Almost immedietly, a huge wave hit, and the explosion of water rained down on our previously dry perch, throwing us off balance just a bit, but soaking us to the skin. Our first impression was not the power of the wave, but its warmth. The hurricane had blown all the warm surface water from offshore to onshore, and the bath-like water grabbed our interest in mid-october. We got the hell off the getty, and back onto the beach.

So it occurs to me that, ...well since the water is so warm, and we are already wet... why not wade in - just up to our waists, to feel the energy? We took off our shirts, belts, wallets, and sneakers, and walked in with our jeans on, safely away from the jetty, maybe 50 yards away. We were waist deep for no more than a few seconds, when we found out the hard way that we were close to a rip. Another huge wave broke in the wrong spot - over our heads, and held us down for what seemed like over a minute. I'm thinking WTF is this? This is fucking crazy, when is it going to let me up? We finally popped up, more than disoriented, and as we gasped for air, another wave hit immedietly. This time it was a short 15 second dunk, but it added to the disorientation. As I was grabing air, I was realizing what had happened. We had been swept out by that first wave, about 100 yards. We were out past the majority of the breakers, enough so that we could usually take a breath and dive under the remaining ones, before getting hit by the next one. But it was now full alert. I quickly realized our predicament. The current was towards the west - towards the jetty. Where we were was at the end of a rip. "T" and I got closer, I told him what was up. I was actually feeling kind of good at this point, kind of enjoying the excitement, but concern started to creep in fast. We were swimming, and swimming, and swimming. We couldn't go with the current because we'd literally get killed on the getty. We couldn't swim in against the rip. We couldn't swim very well against the curent. Fortyfive minutes later, I was in the same spot, and stopped swimming for minute, just going with the ocean, resting. I was getting exhausted. My focus was now out to sea. On the crest of the non-breaking swells, I boosted myself up in the water and started scanning for ships. There were none of course, but it would have been an option. At this time, I'm starting to realize that I am running out of energy. I consider tying my jeans into a life vest, but the jetty threat was still there, and just removing the pants would have been risky in the frothy chaos. Bad time to breath water. One breath of water might be it. I figured my best shot was to get back into the area where the waves were breaking the hardest, and hope that they would push me towards shore, and that the rip would somehow be less strong, or have moved or altered with the tide. I got a hold of "T", and said I was going for it. He looked nervous, scared shitless, but was right there, following my lead. I really didn't think I had enough energy to get to where I wanted. I said "lets go", and went for it.

After about another 20 minutes, I was about 10 yards from where I needed to be, in the break. I actually started thinking that I was might make it. Almost. Maybe almost make it. This is where the story begins.

T is lagging 20 yards behind me. (bastard). He is exhausted, completely. He starts to panic. He calls out for help. I'm barely moving myself and tell him to swim, that I'm in a little trouble here myself. A few seconds later, he cries out again, this time with panicky urgency. I'm 5 yards from the breakers. I look at the shore. I can make it. Yeah, I can pull this off, I can make the shore. A few more yards. I look back. I do not have the strength, energy, reserves to go out and get him. I simply do not. It would be suicide. I look back to him again. He's going under again. I look at the shore. Fuck. Then it happens.

I look up to the sky, to the heavens, to the whatever, my thoughts simultaneously asking if "god/something" is testing me?, what I should do? Help? Before my thoughts are even fully formed, they are gone. Time is gone. Everything is different. I am on another plane. If I die at 17 or at 87, it doesn't matter. Time does not exist - in a very real sense. It doesn't matter if I die, because life is death and death is life. There is no fear. There is no thought. There is just an "is-ness". I dont know how to describe it. I swim out towards my death. Only its not "me" swimming. Something more than me is swimming. There is no ego, no me, yet there is much more flowing through me.

I reach T in about 10 seconds. I help him keep his head up and catch his breath. After a moment, we grab each other's right wrist with our right hands. I'm swimming backwards, pulling him. Maybe a minute passes. Suddenly, out of nowhere, an immense wave breaks on my chest, pushing me violently. It was bizarre. T didnt catch the hit, but he didnt let go, and was pulled out of the water by the jerk. The wave took us both down, for about a minute, and we popped up very close to shore. I kept pulling him in, with the help of breaking waves, until we were about waist deep again. Then it all started to fade. Time came back, slowly. I yelled at T that he could stand, and that he better start running, to give it everything he had left. He went. I went. I collapsed on the shore, gasping, burning, completely drained. But still in a dream-like state. I noticed T was not there and looked back out. No sign. I turned and looked up the beach - he was 50 yards away from the water, still running, untill his calves cramped up, he fell and started throwing up.

It was all cool. There is a sense of that experience that has never left me. There is a bigger sense that too much of it has.

...Ocean

(I'm outta time, I'll probably edit).

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I feel frustrated - frustrated because it didnt flow out as magically poetic as it should have. But how do you describe these things. You can describe time as in real everyday terms, but how do you describe experiencing its non-existance in a incredibly profound way? How do you describe temporarily experiencing immortality. "A temporary taste of immortality - its just not logical. But it exists. How do you find yourself, swimming towards death and be 100% accepting of everything, having knowledge that it really doesn't matter in the real grand scheme of things - that death is but a minor detail? How do you describe the experience of the universe flowing through you?

I got the idea of posting this after jase's inner power post. I believe, to use his terms, pulled the sword out of the stone. I believe I had direct communication with the unverse, and the Tao was flowing unrestricted. I also feel I passed a huge test that day. Had I not gone back out, T would have drowned. I would have had problems living with that, and I would not have had this experience. It almost felt like, once I made the dicision to go back out, - if it was even my decision at all - I felt like I received help. We were practcally delivered to the shore. And I dont believe in a god up in the clouds that looked down and helped me. But, there is ...Something. And it was me. And it wasn't me.

The experience has had a profound effect on me. I know i have more inner strength than I ever thought possible back then. I "know" certain things that are not what we consider reality. I have experienced them. It is incredibly real. This is a fairly common theme in my life - this was just the most vivid example, by far the strongest connection.

My problem is that too much of these experiences have left me. Left me knowing and aware of possibility, but not lable to tap into it. This leaves me in the human condition of suffering, and being able to realize it for what it is, but unable to do anything about it. I've had a taste, but my ego shit is so strong, it doesn't let me eat.

(This has to do with why I often talk about being addicted to Flow).

...Oh, I wanted to add that at the point where I looked up to the sky, I got a sense of surrendering to universe or whatever it is.

Long walks are nice. Sometimes you never know what to expect. Refreshment. You've got to move, ahhhhhhh....

Move in space. Move in time. Move your mind. Dive in. And keep breathing.

Opening to a new day is something I still need to learn on a deeper level, although I think I'm starting to get it. Travel is always a good reminder of youthful enthusiasm. Neices, Nephews, and Nature tend to get me up and opened early. Sunrise is a delightful tourist attraction these days. Why do we not enjoy paradise on a daily basis? We oversleep, and forget to. Travels wake us.

Written by : "Goddessitta" at Book Of Songs

Friday, June 17, 2005 Catacoma

"Ok, I guess my vacation is officially over, now that my travelling companion has winged his way to quieter shores...:-(

This working business takes some getting used to again!

So I thought I'd drop into blogsville, give 'yall some insider's info on some of the cooler places to visit in Paris, tourist-trappiness notwithstanding....

...And n° 1 on my list would be : the CATACOMBS!

The Catacombs are actually a maze , 20 metres below street level, of some 350 km worth of old stone quarries used since Roman times to build Paris. (You can only visit - legally - about 1,7 km of the network).

A couple of years before the French Revolution - that would be 1786ish - the city authorities decided to make more space up above and clear out many of the local cementeries. The earthly remains of their inhabitants were then carefully labeled, cleaned and stacked, with a pretty creepy sense of aesthetic rigeur, into a select number of winding, sepia-lit and humid galleries, that from the beginning of the 19th century onwards were open to the public.
What you now get is this weird combination of pedestrian, eerily intimate morbidity ( the corridors are so narrow that at times you can almost touch skulls on both sides with your outstreched arms) and pompous kitchiness ( in an attempt at preserving the solemnity of the resting-place, the authorities erected stone plaques at regular intervals, in Latin and in French, quoting famous classical and biblical authors on the ultimate nothingness of death and the need to bequeath your material gains before departing the earthly plane...repent, ye Sinners, before ye Meeteth thy Wrathful Maker! ) .

I didn't think I'd be so affected by the galleries. But I swear that from the moment I entered, I started feeling a real tight, closing sensation in my chest, and couldn't stand to be alone for more than a few seconds. (For once..thank God for those Asian tourists!) Especially when we neared a more humid corner and could hear the steady drip-drip of condensation dropping down the natural stalagtites(sp?) onto our passing heads...and inflitrating the various bony body parts of the resting companions around me. Much food for thought on the vanity of the human experience...before and after death. And one extra argument in favor of cremation once i get my personal ticket for the Great Kick-Off...

It's estimated that between 5 and 6 MILLION Parisians are now buried in those vaults."

Spent some time feelin’ inferior
Standing in front of my mirror
Combed my hair in a thousand ways
But I came out looking just the same

Daddy said, ’son, you better see the world
I wouldn’t blame you if you wanted to leave
But remember one thing don’t lose your head
To a woman that’ll spend your bread’
So I got out

Paris was a place you could hide away
If you felt you didn’t fit in
French police wouldn’t give me no peace
They claimed I was a nasty person
Down along the left bank minding my own
Was knocked down by a human stampede
Got arrested for inciting a peacful riot
When all I wanted was a cup of tea
I was accused
I moved on

Down in rome I wasn’t getting enough
Of the things that keeps a young man alive
My body stunk but I kept my funk
At a time when I was right out of luck
Getting desperate indeed I was
Looking like a tourist attraction
Oh my dear I better get out of here
’for the vatican don’t give no sanction
I wasn’t ready for that, no no

I moved right out east yeah!
On the peking ferry I was feeling merry
Sailing on my way back here
I fell in love with a slit eyed lady
By the light of an eastern moon
Shangai lil never used the pill
She claimed that it just ain’t natural
She took me up on deck and bit my neck
Oh people I was glad I found her
Oh yeah I was glad I found her

I firmly believe that I didn’t need anyone but me
I sincerely thought I was so complete
Look how wrong you can be

The women I’ve known I wouldn’t let tie my shoe
They wouldn’t give you the time of day
But the slit eyed lady knocked me off my feet
God I was glad I found her
And if they had the words I could tell to you
To help you on the way down the road
I couldn’t quote you no dickens, shelley or keats
’cause it’s all been said before
Make the best out of the bad just laugh it off
You didn’t have to come here anyway
So remember, every picture tells a story don’t it

I woke up and decided to go for a ride. I packed in half an hour and was off. Saddle bags hanging on the back, backpack bungy netted on the back seat, and a tank bag. Plenty of room. It was a good set-up. I scrunched into the cockpit, the backpack providing a backrest, the tank bag a comfortable pillow to lean my chest on. The Kawasaki GPZ 750 was a sport bike, but its relative upright rider position was very comfortable for a long haul.

Being it was summer, meant there was really only one general direction - North. No maps needed. I had my helmet's face shield up as I drove through the congestion of the bridges and construction zones outside of NYC. Then North. Away. I probably should have checked the weather, but the Throughway has plenty of overpasses to rest under when the light sprinkles turns to torrents. I needed two of them, then pulled into a rest stop for a bathroom break. OK, now I was a bit wet, and I must have had crazy helmet hair, but all those staring eyeballs made me uncomfortable. I used the facilities and washed my hands and...holy crap! My face was speckled dirty, almost black. Do not ride through NYC with the visor up!

Somewhere up in the Adirondacks, tired and hungry, I pulled into a comfortable little restaurant. Strech my legs and seat myself at a quiet table off to the side. The waitress comes over.

"Out for a long ride by yourself, huh?"
"Yep."
"I'm just getting off. Beer?"
"Yep."
Back with two cold pints of beer, "Mind if I join ya?"
"Nope."

I was an enjoyable dinner. Guess I did a good job washing my face. Another 20 minutes down the road, I find a cheap little hotel and get a room key. I'm tired. Its raining. I drive the bike through the door and park it next to the bed. My baby. No need to unpack.

The dawn wakes me up and I'm ready to ride. I go out toward's the office for coffee. The old lady who owns the joint yells at me, "Where the hell is your bike?"
"Um, its in the room - it was raining and - don't worry, it doesn't leak oil - I..."
"Oh", laughing, "I don't care about that. I thought it was stolen! Go get yourself some coffee. I just made it."
"OK, thanks." Cool.

Smooth, twisty, single lanes winding through the mountains are the best roads to ride. It becomes a moving meditation. Both feet, both hands on automatic, your body swings its weight into the gravity void inside the curve. Into the zone. Fortunately there are two sides to every coin. Open another corner of your mind, and slow the bike down. The Adirondacks are just to pretty to race through. Pull over at nice spots and look around. Drink from a clear stream. Take an hour to gaze at a pair of Peregrine falcons doing their thing.

Off into the east, the Green Mountains of Vermont are softer, gentler, with miles of green rolling hills. Hit the throttle. Its 1AM. The cool of the night has fog settled low in the valleys. Its getting late and I'm in the middle of nowhere with no clue. I'm just riding the twists at 75mph, enjoying, until I find somewhere to crash. Pun not intended. Then I smell -

Some secrets are better left unrevealed. Then again, who knows how long it will last?

Cozumel is an island of limestone, 12 miles off the Yucatan Peninsula. It is across from Playa Del Carmen, a bit south of Crazy (Cancun). A strong azure current of 100-200ft visibilty flows through this 12 mile funnel, creating some of the best drift diving in the world. Spectacular coral reef formations and abundant and varied fauna provide a surreal backdrop to fly through. The reef is visually intoxicating when you are up real close. The intricacies of patterns, colors and lifeforms can hold your attention far longer than your air will hold out. Back up your ocular lenses a bit, and you feel spidermanlike, gliding in, through, and around 80ft skyscrapers of rugged coral. Just try not to touch. Fragile. Another world. This is no secret.

Back at the beach after two great dives, the boat deposits you back on the beach somewhere around 2PM. Plenty of day left. So many options - shopping at the Mayan jewelery, art, craft shops; perhaps a Margarita or three; back to the room for a nice romantic nap. The afternoon vacation time blends seemlessly into the night. Great restaurants. Night dives. "Carlos N Charlies", where you can smell tequila puke in small spurts as the cruise ships let off the young party crowd in downtown, San Miguel. (recommended, but only for a single 15 minute, people-watching drink). Most places have there own little quiet bar where you can enjoy the stories of you fellow divers. You can have your pick, as long as you are fresh for diving at 8AM. No secrets here.

However, on the night of the full moon, it is often wise to throw a chang-up into the plans. A fiesty little ex-girlfriend, (I'll call her "L" to protect the "innocent"?), and I strolled down to have a frosty beer while we figured out what else to do that night. It had been a great day of diving - material for another post. There was another couple at our outdoor bar. It turned out they were in some band from NYC. She was sitting on the bar, singing loudly, trying to be sultry and lounge-like. Is it actually possible to be more annoying? (No). He had endured this painful trial before, but all I got out of it was knowing that I wasn't wasting vacation-time around them.

Then she said it. "Are you guys going to the Full Moon Party? We rented a VW Thing. You could jump in the back!"...

The last ice sheet melted in retreat over 13,000 years ago. Glaciers are immensely powerful rivers of ice. They flow downwards at a slow pace, but the weight and pressures created by the flow over the lanscape is enough to carve out and pulverise the existing granite bedrock. This was this process that carved out an area that is today, roughly 47.5 square miles wide, reaching down to a depth of around 325 feet.

Sebago Lake is large enough to now serves as the public water supply for the city of Portland and surrounding areas. It also serves as Vacation land, due to its beauty. Surrounded by the evergreens of the Maine woods, the shoreline of the lake consists of sandy beaches, granite outcrops, boulders, and cliffs, and marshlands. The fresh air smells of pine, and the water of the lake is possessed by magical properties of which you can drink.

In summer, surface temperatures are pleasant for swimming. Dive to 100ft and you will feel youself pass through five to seven distinct thermoclines. Your bubbles will sound oddly crystalline. It is cold. The clarity of the water and the geological artwork allow you to endure the shivers.

There is this boulder the size of a huge house. It is cracked open in the middle - a split of three to four feet. Within this split opening are lodged many smaller boulders that didnt quite make it to the bottom. Fun swim-throughs. But what most people miss - is the cave. Its at the base of this split rock. You enter a small dark chamber which leads to a small opening. You need to take your tank off and feed it through, then follow. Your flashlight now reveals a small chamber that has a small drop-off ledge on the far side. You must be very careful not to stir up any silt. A dive partner can place his arm into the opening to remain in contact with your fins. However, if you wish to explore a little more, you must break contact. It is you alone. Proceed to the small drop-off ledge. With full arm extension, you can almost reach the bottom. There you will find a pillowcase. The contents of the pillowcase were hermetically sealed in a long fire-side night's worth of candle wax, almost four years ago.

I have forgotten the brands and vintages, but I recommend the premium white with a Maine seafood dinner. The red will work, chilled on a cool fireside night. But dont wait to much time after the dive to celebrate with shots of some good, smooth, tequila. You won't need any rocks. ...Cheers!

Picture This... Home, Sweet, Home.

I love: ...that warmly intense look in her eye before she looks downward through stray hair, with a small smile that makes my sparks my mind, ...the perfect carve and slight slide of a waterski, a snowboard, a motorcycle, leaving me hanging, suspended, released from gravity, ...swimming down, down, until you should be running low on air, yet still feeling comfortable that your lungs are still supplying, ...that perfect curve and sway of her hip, ...the perfect cup of coffee, or comfortable hiking boot, at sunrise, ...the perfect storm (not that one), ...hitting the ball with the sweet spot, ...the feel of a long run, ...the perfect kiss (yes that one), ...the perfect guitar solo, ...air above timberline, ...the perfect fish on the end of my line, ...her breath on my neck, in my ear, ...a perfect fire, ...perfect absorbtion in reading or writing, or inner centered thought, ...hearing snow fall, ...sandy coves, ...clinging to rocky cliffs, ...the perfect afternoon nap, ...a perfectly ripe dripping peach, ...rip tides, ...whiteouts, ...perfect warm light and shadow, ...the perfect unexpected smile, ...arriving "home".

I hate not allowing myself to experience what I love. I experience perfect moments when I'm "home". This often happens far from my mailing (or emailing) address. I love the perfect trip.

Home, Sweet, Home.